You think London is cool? You wanna know whether it's a vibrant and awesome place to live in? You're moving to London and can't wait to get there? Let me tell you something. London fuckin sucks ass for men. Read this epic rant where I give you the unfiltered truth about Europe's worst city.
This whole article started with this picture.
I saw it on my Twitter feed and it's a picture from London. Apparently chatting up women on the Tube is now considered offensive or rape in London. Better rely on Tinder and its rigged and stupidly overpriced algorithm.
This reminded me of how much I fuckin HATED living in London.
Quick sidebar: I lived in London for 9 months 2013/14 as part of my Master's degree.
I went into rant mode about London on Twitter. Why does London suck so much you asking?
Let me update you on why London is the worst metropolis in Europe.
London is expensive as fuck
First, it's expensive like a motherfucker.
Maybe that'll change soon when they exit the EU and the currency tanks. But even with that discount, London is stupidly expensive and not worth it. Especially in your twenties, when you're still broke or close to it, London is the worst city to be in:
Transportation is totally overpriced and sucks (rant on that in a minute). Riding the tube from end to the other sets you back 10 pounds or something? Don't even get me started on cabs but they're stuck in traffic anyway so you won't even use them.
Housing is ABSURDLY expensive. I paid 800 pounds for a hole-in-the-wall room at King's cross dead in the center. Sharing with 4 other people (the flat, not the room). If you wanna live cheaper, you'll pay for transportation and lose time in the shitty tube. A catch-22.
Eating out is not cheap at all. A decent meal at a decent restaurant is 25GBP AT LEAST. Admittedly, there's a lot of selection and many different cuisines in London but still. Imagine having to pay for a girl. Luckily they're most ugly and entitled so you'll never face that problem in the first place.
Going out is EXPENSIVE AND SHITTY. I'll rant about that too but forget having low-cost fun, which you'll rely on when you're in your twenties and broke. Later when you have more money, you'll be a wage slave in London and won't have time to enjoy that money so again a lose-lose situation here.
About the only thing I can remember being cheap are flights cause London is such a transport hub. They better be cause you'll wish to escape it pretty quickly.
Housing in London is a JOKE
Living in London SUCKS.
The flats are super tiny. Yeah they look cool from the outside.When you're a tourist and are staying in your 4 star hotel or your B&B for 2 days you'll find it funny and "charming". But if you have to live in a tuna can for months, you'll hate it.
Also. There's rats living in the walls. Common problem. Sink clogs up fast cause the sewer system is older than the Queen herself. Floors are crooked. Heating sucks in winter. Don't wonder if you start freezing cause it might not always work.
I lived in Hamburg for 3 months right after that. Lived in other cities as well. London's flats are about as good as apartments built in the communist era in Russia. I am not exaggerating here. It's that bad.
Oh yes and it's totally overpriced but we already covered that.
Moving on. Transportation:
The London Tube and cabs are a joke too
I'll skip the part about being too expensive cause you know that by now.
Instead, rest assured that taking the Tube will annoy you in no-time. There are constant delays for no reasons. Stations are closed and remain so for days. Whole parts of lines aren't working, god knows why.
Yes the tube looks kind of cool and charming when you're a tourist and stand in there for two stations between Piccadilly Circus and Tottenham Court Road. But if you have to commute on it, I guarantee you'll hate it with a passion cause it's super small and uncomfortable. It also takes FOREVER to get from A to B.
Moscow is much bigger, yet you have the feeling that you're travelling MUCH FASTER. Maybe it's cause the Metro works like a clockwork and you never have to wait more than 2mins for one.
Cabs aren't a solution cause they're super expensive and take forever. You're literally better off walking if it isn't far. Or keep your CC ready cause it's gonna cost a fuckton.
You can also take the bus if you fancy waiting 15min waiting for 3 to come in a row.
Long story short, try to keep all your shit in walking distance in London, otherwise you're FUCKED.
Now for the interesting part. The people:
Most men in London are dorks
First off, I have NOTHING against English people. My best and only friend in Prague was English and we're still in touch even though he's in Peru trading crypto and snorting coke.
That said, I didn't meet people like him in London. All the guys I met were either CUNTS or PUSSY-WHIPPED or REALLY FUCKING GAY (and I'm not talking about their sexual preference).
I literally met ZERO MASCULINE MEN in London. So I also had zero real friends to go out with. Everyone's either snobbish or a cunt or wants to talk about lame bullshit like policy recommendations. I DON'T CARE. Let's talk about PUSSY or CASH or SPORTS.
That's one thing. The other thing that annoyed the hell out of me was how fake polite everyone is all the time. Americans do that too but it's not as annoying, maybe because you know they just want your money so it's a part of their culture to treat you well as a customer. But in London people tell you "I'm so sorry but would you be so kind to step aside" in a really snarky tone when they just want you to move out of the damn way.
Don't know about you but it really rubbed me the wrong way. In Russia and in Moscow in particular, people are rude as hell but at least they aren't pretending. I still prefer it that way.
Ok, so much for the PG-13 part. Now for what really annoyed me. First, nightlife.
Nightlife in London is the worst nightlife in the world
Nightlife in London sucks donkey cock.
First. You consider yourself to be a METROPOLIS.
The UNOFFICIAL CAPITAL OF EUROPE (before they brexited).
A MELTING POT.
All that shit.
And then you close clubs at 3AM. Are you fucking serious?
At 3AM everyone is peak pissed. All the 4s are at least 6s now. You're just drunk enough to maybe maybe consider banging one of these trailhogs. And then lights go on and you realize that she's 10kg overweight and lost her heels while she was doing coke in the toilet.
As if that wasn't enough, you exit the club and meet a war zone of drunk zombies, overweight English girls cursing and cussing (or downright throwing up). McDonalds turns into ground zero. Streets are littered with vomit, actual litter and lost belongings. Taking a cab is impossible so you need to wait for the bus to escape that hell.
Of course you have always the option to go to one of the two electro clubs in the city that are open until 5AM. Where everyone is pilled or coked up until they're higher than Mount Everest. Where no one wants to actually mingle and where you won't get laid in a million years unless you offer pills to some skanky 4.
If your idea of fun is mindlessly getting high and numbing yourself to music and drugs until the morning then you'll have a grand time. If not then stay the fuck away.
Next. As if that wasn't bad enough, if you actually go to a decent mainstream club, your ass is going to get ORWELLED at the entrance.
That's right, they'll face-scan you and only then rip you off with a cover charge and overpriced and weak as piss drinks. HOW GREAT IS THAT? I feel so blessed to enter those fine establishments only to spend 50 bucks before I even start to be remotely drunk enough to consider the females inside attractive.
Of course you always have two other options. One are high-end clubs. Which aren't an option at all cause YOU WON'T GET IN if you cannot bribe the bouncer or bring high-end females with you. Both aren't an option when you're young (different when you're 35+ and established). Anyway, going with top females to one of these clubs is the last thing you wanna do cause they're full with tons of really loaded and really thirsty men.
The other option are pubs. Which are full with more effeminate "men" and terribly-looking women. They also close at 11 or 12 so just when you might actually start having fun, they boot you out. Thanks but no thanks.
In Moscow I can bring 30 bucks and go to the MOST BUSTED SUBURB CLUB. And it's still going to be ore fun AND MORE GIRLS than in London. I can also enter almost any high-end establishment simply by dressing up and looking the part. Nevermind that nightlife is almost 24/7 on weekends. Fuck London.
Last but not least. You knew it was coming. It had to.
English women and women in London are embarassing and terrible
THE WOMEN IN LONDON
English women are the most classless, overweight, entitled, unfeminine and repelling women I know.
Yea you might find a gem every once in a while. You also sometimes find money on the floor. That doesn't make it a source of income. English women are for the most part straight up cunts with huge attitudes but nothing going for them. A 6 in London is a 3 in Russia, yet she still thinks she's Grace Kelly. Even when she is slobbering over her burger at 4AM on Piccadilly Circus.
Of course there are good women in London. They're almost all foreigners. I remember how in uni almost all attractive women weren't English. Singapore. India. Eastern Europe. NO ENGLISH HOTTIES. If there's one redeeming quality here then it's the diversity of women you'll meet. Because there are so many tourists in London, you can fuck yourself through all continents if you want to. But finding a quality woman will be really hard.
Does London have a few redeeming qualities? Hm.
Leaving London is cheap and easy. You can fly to almost anywhere for little money.
There's a variety of women.
Tourists are easy in London. If you can outclass the hordes of thirsty dudes that want a piece of them.
The restaurant scene is good, even if it's expensive.
There are A TON of interesting museums and other culture stuff. This is probably the single best thing about London.
It's really interesting for a city trip. Stay 2 days then get the fuck out of there.
That was all 2013/14. Before PC culture, before London starting becoming unsafe and all of that. It's probably much worse now. I wouldn't live in London if someone paid me.