7 ways to tell you're at a high-end Moscow club

7 ways to tell you’re at a high-end Moscow club

In Moscow nightlife you have nightclubs and then you have those nightclubs. Those which are exemplary of Moscow's nightlife, its citizens and the people as a whole. Where fancier means better and where money talks.

Everyone that has been at such an establishment will nod in agreement with all the points on this list. But you people who have not yet been to Moscow should read especially carefully. I'm dropping some insights here that you won't find on any tripadvisor reviews.


Way #1: Numerous luxury cars parked in front of the club

I'll back-paddle on this one right away. I guess it's even worse in Dubai and the sorts. Still, in Moscow it's pretty extereme. You'll see plenty of G-Wagens, Bentleys, Jaguars and whatnot parked outside. No space? No one cares, people just park wherever they want. Image is everything in Moscow and if you have an expensive car (no matter whether you can afford it) you have to show it off.

Standard procedure at posh Moscow clubs

Way #2: Funny door policy procedures

Like I wrote in my face control guide, rolling up to a club is a bit of a procession in Moscow.

You make eye contact but not too much.

You project confidence but not to the degree where you seem like a rich douchebag.

You give them a friendly word or two but lo and behold, don't start to smalltalk because they will think you've lost your mind.

Plus the bouncers 90% of the time don't speak English anyway. It's a very fine line that you have to walk. Sometimes you will also hear the most ridicoulous rejections like "private party" when there's 500 people in the club. And don't get me started about what girls can tell you about face control. That's probably one for an extra article...

Way #3: People look like they're at a funeral, not in a club

This one is big for women. Smiling and showing too many signs of having fun is not the cool thing to do. Rest assured: if you see a girl that looks like she's having a lot of fun in these type of clubs, she's probably had a vodka or three already (now's a good time to introduce yourself gentlemen). The "I'm utterly bored and who the hell are you" look is a very common feature of these places.

Lady on the left comes close

Way #4: Smartphones...smartphones everywhere

In high-end Moscow clubs you'll often have someone performing at some point of the night. So what is the natural thing to do? Enjoy the show, right? Wrong! It is a perfect opportunity for everyone to get their phones out and livestream the event to Instagram. Even more popular (among girls) is to not film the show but themselves. Now I know that's not a distinct Moscow feature but go figure.

Stupid stock photo but you get the idea

Way #5: Higher than high heels

Whatever you think that you might know about women wearing high shoes, you will have to rethink it after having been in a posh Moscow club. Flat shoes are a non-starter. In winter overknee boots are an acceptable substitute but that's about the only thing. Heaven for men, ha!

No, not from a porn shoot but women actually wear those!

Way #6: Men that are not nightclub age range...going clubbing

By the time you're 35 you might think I'm too old for this stuff. Not in Moscow, son. Plenty of 40+ and even 50+ cats that are still going strong in top tier Moscow clubs. Now are they surrounded by one or more escorts to spend their night? Most probably, but hey, to each their own.

Trying to make a point but yes, this is a real picture

Way #7: Suits...suits everywhere

As much as smartphones are glued to girls' hands, as much are suits and blazers the inofficial nightlife uniform in Moscow. Nowadays, I don't think twice what I'm wearing if I go to these types of venues. As I said in my style guide, you can never be underdressed in Moscow nightlife. Is the majority of guys not that attractive? Maybe. But their style is still on point for the most part.

These gentlemen are doing it right